Join the Campaign - Stop those Suffering from 'Holiday'.

Next year, the newly created Pan-Government of Europe will launch their inaugural initiative to save those who - through no fault of their own - holiday.

Following many years of under-cover investigation, journalists have exposed the harrowing tale of millions - people whom you pass on the street- who suffer at the hands of 'The Holiday'. It can be revealed that 1 in 4 people 'holiday' and that, for many of us, we can expect a 'Holiday' to happen at sometime in our lives- maybe even 3-4 times per year. The victims (in modern jargon, now refered to as 'survivors'), mostly volunteer for this bizarre ritual, but for many (eg, parents and childless couples) it is enforced by a cruel social system which labels non-holiday as a stigma.

Women are more likely to be affected- forced to make the arrangements and then abandoned to organise the packing, the venue, the insurance, the pet care and the cancellation of the milk. Then, once the symptoms have progressed to a full-blown bout of holiday, they become involved in the continual supervision and entertainment of children.

The months of July and August sees this trend peak. During this time men, women and children stand in airport lounges, frequently dropping dead due to dehydration or the sudden imposition of yet more exit-duties and excess baggage charges. Many, many more can be found on motorways- easily captured as they are unable to migrate due to traffic congestion. Sometimes solace is found when neighbours and friends find each other - perhaps only a few miles from the safety of their own homes - on the same stretch of road, and can share food and drink. Those of a more liberal disposition (identified by the wearing of natural-fibres) walk the length and breadth of their chosen land- always smiling,come rain or shine (usually rain). In England, The Lake District and Matlock, Derbyshire, become places of pilgrimage. Much howling and wailing can be heard until September, when the cost of a hotel is within reach, and the price of a cup of tea returns to an acceptable level.

The discovery of 'caravan-it is' exposes yet further suffering. These victims/survivors - we think - openly elect to live in a tin-box of restricted proportions, and bravely battle to survive by re-creating (almost exactly, in some cases) their own living rooms. Living rooms which are - like the motorway - close enough to pop home and feed the cat. The more affluent, by contrast, opt to 'eco-tour' with companies called 'Blissfull Delusions.com' . Such companies 'help' to save the planet by encouraging their clients to trample over places and animals unlikely to survive for their grandchildren to experience. These sufferers move around in small groups, often camouflaged but achingly visible wearing socks and sandals , complete with their own kettle and a tour-leader called Derek.

An antidote is being developed (pharmaceutical companies hot on the trail of THIS malady), but, for the time being, no known cure exists. If you think you know anyone, or have been affected by this article in anyway, the best advice is…….stay at home and read Journey around My Room, Xavier de Maistre (1790). An early advocate of the 'stay-cation', he advocated a 6-week sojourn in your own salle des chambers, staring at the wallpaper - apologies, Mr de Maistre for the poor summary..but ignore his words at your peril! Happy Holidays!