We are continuing our series on assertive communication by looking at the key and challenging issue of saying 'no' to other people. If the very thought of saying 'no' to your partner or your mother, brings you out in a cold sweat, then you are in the right place!

We women are generally not very good at saying 'no' to others. We have, for the large part, been brought up to support, to defend and to manage others and whether we are or are not in agreement with something, hardly counts. OK, maybe that was my generation and more recent generations of women have a different point of view (but from what I see from my coaching clients, there isn't a great deal of difference with the way women feel today compared to 25 years ago when I started working on assertiveness).

The problem is that we want to be liked. We equate saying 'no' to someone as being rude, selfish, difficult….. (you can fill in the blanks depending on your particular upbringing!). As a result it is very hard for us to refuse but the consequences can be quite disastrous. If you think about a range of situations, for example from saying 'no, I won't lend you this book' to 'no, I don't want to make love tonight' the extent of the resulting emotion is different but is generally around the issues of feeling taken for granted, feeling used, feeling abused, not being respected and so on.

What can I do?

The first rule of assertiveness is to decide what you want in any given situation. When someone asks you a favour or request, listen to your immediate reaction or feel the message your body gives – a knot in the stomach means you really want to say 'no'! This will be your faithful guide. Often we ignore this first reaction because of the pressure of what is expected and the desire to please. If your first reaction is a definite 'yes' or 'no', say so. The 'yes' part is easy; there are some steps below to help you with the 'no' part!

Some people think that letting a person down gently will spare the other person’s feelings, but consider who you are really protecting. The indirectness which people use is often a way of avoiding responsibility for saying 'no'. It can be embarrassing being on the end of a long-winded 'no'. With a direct 'no' at least you know where you stand.

Saying 'no' skills

• Use the actual word 'No' in your sentence –don't beat around the bush with lots of "I don't think I can" "I'd really rather not" "It isn't very convenient" etc
• Be congruent with your non-verbal language –eg don't smile as you say 'no'
• Keep the tone of your voice firm but not aggressive
• Give an explanation if you like but don't make excuses (if you say you have to take the dog to the vets that night and can't come round to baby sit when it isn't true, your 'friend' will find a way to take care of the problem of the dog, so you CAN!)
• Say how you feel – "I feel guilty" "I feel a bit strange" "I know I don't usually say no but…"
• Offer a compromise, if you are happy to do so
• Reassure the person that you are not rejecting them but simply saying 'no' to what they are asking

Let's take a fairly straight forward scenario – you baby sit regularly for a friend and have been happy to do so in the past. Recently you are feeling 'put upon' and getting a bit resentful as your friend is asking you more often, assuming you will be available and after all you have your own life to live! (and yes, you're feeling a bit angry too!). If you don't handle this situation NOW it will only get worse so:

1. Decide what you want – are you happy to carry on baby sitting but only once a week? Do you want to stop the baby sitting arrangement altogether? Something else?
2. Ask yourself 'what is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?' If the worst is that this person never speaks to you again, then ask yourself what sort of a friend were they anyway?
3. Follow the skills above.

If you are hesitating and you genuinely don't know what you want, try this:-

Try saying "I don’t know", I need some more information. Do not be pushed.
Usually you do not have to make an instant decision. Say that you need time to think.
This helps in two ways:
a) you get time to think and make a decision
b)you get time to get more information, which will affect your decision.

Remember that:-
When you say 'NO' – "You are refusing the request, not rejecting the person"

This is a key quotation from The classic of books on assertiveness "A Woman in your Own Right" by Anne Dickson (see below). It was first written in 1982 (I bought my first one in 1984) and has been reprinted many times since. I hesitate to recommend books to people because they are such personal things, but, if you want to know more about this topic, then I DO recommend that you get this book. I've just checked up and on all the sites where the book is mentioned/sold, it gets four or five stars so, it seems that it is as relevant to today's woman as it was when it first came out. It is full of self-study exercises and has been this trainer's bible for a very long time!

GOOD LUCK!

Kate

www.fromgoodmanagertogreatmanager.com/startnow