15 YEARS OF FRIED BREAKFASTS. Or one good reason to communicate assertively!

How we communicate with each other is a complex and often hazardous process. It involves two (or more) people in a dance of listener/speaker and the outcomes can sometimes be frustrating! When communication is in a work context where your job or your reputation is at stake, it is especially important to get it right.

It is such an important subject that I've decided to write THREE articles on communication, beginning this month with the basics of effective communication.

Assertive communication

You may well have heard of assertiveness, read books about it, been on courses and applied the skills. If so, you will know how effective it is as a means of getting not only what we want but satisfying the other person as well.

What DO we want?

It is especially difficult for most women to know specifically what it is they want out of a situation, probably because we've been brought up for the most part to be supportive and concerned with what other people want. Yes, you may know that you want to feel better in a situation or not to feel put upon but do you know what concrete changes you want to see? (When you come to the skills below, you'll see this is the first step!)

Assertiveness means expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means that both ‘sides’ respect each other and consciously work toward a "win-win" solution to problems so that all parties end up with their needs met to the highest degree possible.

How to be assertive

Being assertive means exercising a set of skills just like driving a car or baking a cake. Adopting assertive behaviour means you use the following step-by-step process:

1. Decide what you want
2. Say it clearly and specifically; stick to facts
3. Support what you say by how you say it; ensure that your non-
verbal messages are back up what your mouth says
4. Don’t be manipulated or side-tracked
5. Listen actively in case the other person has a different point of view and be prepared to discuss this
6. Aim for “win-win” outcomes so both people gain

Some practice is generally required for those people who ‘naturally’ behave passively or aggressively to learn the skills of assertiveness, but the benefits in terms of effective communication are worth the effort.

Being assertive is NOT being aggressive
If you react aggressively to a situation you want to win at all costs and you don't care how you communicate with the other person; you may shout, scream and insist – this is a million miles from being ASSERTIVE so don't confuse the two!

So where do the fried breakfasts come in?
If you are wondering why the title of this article, let me explain…

I have been running assertiveness training courses for women for over twenty years and the results the women themselves obtain are amazing. I had a participant on one course (I'll call her Sara but in fact I don't remember her name but I will never forget her story) who had a personal situation she was desperate to talk about. The one thing she really wanted to tackle was to stop cooking a fried breakfast for her husband every day. She did it when they got married 15 years previously and had gone on doing it because she loved him and felt this was a way of caring for him and he liked it, so she continued. But over the years the effort of getting up every day to cook his fried breakfast (which she never ate herself), then wash up before going off to work was beginning to weigh heavily and she was beginning to really resent this and was becoming more and more unhappy with him.

BUT she didn't want to say anything because she didn't want her husband to think she didn’t care or couldn't be bothered, so we started to work on an assertive compromise. She decided that she didn’t mind cooking his fried breakfasts at the weekend when neither of them worked but she wanted to stop during the week and that she would explain calmly that it wasn't that she didn't care or didn't love him any more just that she (fact) she didn't want to do this one thing anymore.

In those days, we had a follow-up to the course 4 weeks later when everyone came back and talked about their experiences. As the day approached I was beginning to get nervous; I didn't want to see Sara back on the course with her suitcase in her hand saying she'd left home and her marriage was over! But no, she arrived empty-handed and began to tell the group what had happened. She had practised what she wanted to say a few times before launching into the discussion; she said what we'd planned and waited for the bomb to go off. Silence from her husband. Then he began to speak and say how HE felt, that HE didn't want to eat the fried breakfasts every day but he didn't know how to tell HER because he didn't want to upset her…. So, he got up every day for 15 years and ate this breakfast she cooked and she got up every day for 15 years and cooked it!!!! – neither of them wanted this but both were afraid to have the assertive conversation to move the situation on!

I assure you this is a true story and it is a fantastic example of how not being assertive gets you into all sorts of scrapes!

Do you have examples of your own to share?

We'll look next time at saying 'no' assertively, even at work!

Just a quick plug for a FREE webinar I've organised for managers 20th July at 9pm French time to help you go from being a good manager to a GREAT manager.

Click here to sign up and find out more: www.fromgoodmanagertogreatmanager.com

Have fun in the sun!

Kate